It's a little repetative to my last entry, with a few more thoughts, but today I sent this email (some in two parts, but the same words) to my...

Dear Senator, Congressman, Board Member:

As a resident of Utah and a recently retired teacher who is concerned about the welfare of our children and the society they will soon affect. I have concerns about the current push for teaching Critical Race Theory in our schools. I believe that the problem with Critical Race Theory and similar movements lies in the fact that once implemented, they become a way for certain entities to exercise dominion over anyone who doesn't fall precisely in line with or support the world view or their proponents. Such philosophies become tools, wherein even when someone personally abhores bigotry, if they don't follow the 'party line', join the 'approved' movements or express discontent in 'approved' ways that benefit the movement, they can never-the-less be accused of being "racist", "homophobic" or whatever, and thus be disenfranchised in some way; actually having their rights of a voice comprimised.

I have experienced this personally.

Once such a movement has established itself in education, it naturally results in "re-education", wherein parties seeking to shut down dissenting thought in society can 'enlighten' upcoming generations to disavow literally any philosophy that doesn't support their specific agenda....without giving opposing ideas the light of day, even when opposing ideas are not in any way immoral or racist. Further, such entities can indirectly shut down any organization with whom they have differences, or with whose philosophies they see as threatening to their political power. All they have to do is teach children that an 'un-approved' organization, for instance his/her family's church, embraces ideas that are "racist", "homophobic" or whatever, based on the "litmus test" provided by whichever 'enlightened understanding' can be used to eliminate dissent...whether the church actually does or not.

If you don't think this is a real danger, you haven't actually studied history. All one needs to do to understand any problem in society is to figure out who profits by its existence in some way.

  I have personal experience with some who have been a personal friend or a friendly relative who, as they have been indoctrinated with CRT and other "Woke" ideals, and upon finding out that I am opposed to those ideals, have whole-heartedly taken upon themselves a sense of "moral authority" and blatantly belittled me or called me out publicly because I don't accept the 'approved narrative'. Apparently they are not familiar with or have forgotten the many times during my teaching career that I denounced racism in my teaching and in what I enforced. They seem to disregard the fact that I have unquestionably accepted and supported even those in my own family who have chosen different paths than what I believe as far as gender identity, or that I have never thought to make a derogatory remark when any of my children have dated or married children-of-God from another race. I have only been supportive and loving, and have financially supported causes which were focused on helping struggling people of different races on an ongoing basis. Yet none of this matters to them because I do not express my outrage to racism in the 'approved' way and I do not condone the use of violence by 'approved' groups (which also, by the way, seek to push CRT onto society).

   It's not too hard to predict, based on such experiences of many across the nation, what will occur if CRT and its attendant methodologies are institutionalized in our districts. I believe that many staff and students who support it will come to consider it virtuous to shame students and teachers who do not follow it completely. That's its nature. Instead of solving mental health issues, it will come to increase them as some are bullied into submission...mainly those who are not racist, yet do not 'express' it in 'approved' ways. In short, institutionalized bullying.

I urge you to think this through as you consider inviting CRT or any philosophies with similar origins into the curriculum or professional expectations. Once they become the norm, they don't brook any free thinking, or those who do it, that doesn't 'fall in line'.

Thank you very much for your service and time. I welcome your thoughts on these of mine.

Sincerely,

Todd R. Furse

I believe that the problem with Critical Race Theory and other "Woke" movements lies in the fact that once implemented, they become a way for certain entities to exercise dominion over anyone who doesn't fall precisely in line with their world view. Such philosophies become tools, wherein even if someone is personally innocent of true bigotry, when they don't follow the 'party line' that benefits the movement they can be accused of being "racist", "homophobic" or whatever, and thus be disenfranchised in some way. 'If you don't toe our line, we have a reason to boot you out!' In education, when it becomes "re-education", parties seeking to shut down dissenting thought in society can 'educate' children to disavow literally any philosophy that doesn't support their agenda....without giving opposing ideas the light of day whatever. Further, such entities can indirectly shut down any organization with whom they have differences, or with whose philosophies they see as threatening to their political power. All they have to do is teach children that an unapproved organization, for instance their family's church, embraces ideas that are "racist", "homophobic", "anti..." or whatever, based on the "litmus test" provided by whichever 'enlightened understanding' can be used to eliminate dissent. If you don't think this is a real danger, you haven't actually studied history. All one needs to do to understand any problem in society is to figure out who profits by its existence in some way.

My Views on the Recent Abortion Debate

     I remember when abortion was first becoming a popular debate. At that time it seemed like environmental extremists were forwarding it as a solution to “over-population” and “world hunger” (I remember seeing a popular film in school featuring scientists working on the “world hunger” problem. I haven't seen it since then, but that's a whole other discussion about global politics). Later the cause was taken up by extreme feminists as an alternative to being 'tied down' to raising children. I totally get that an unprepared young woman would have a deep fear of giving birth and raising a child. I understand how so many are unable to deal with the challenges associated with all of it. But I think our world has largely taken the wrong course in dealing with the trauma these women face. Instead of dealing with it in a way that would actually heal, we have manipulated it and turned it into a matter for political manuevering. As I've watched the abortion issue unfold since I first became aware of it, said extremists have manipulated the courts and the governing powers. They have managed to make abortion the natural “go-to” method of dealing with unwanted pregnancies. It's funded by taxpayers whether they agree to it or not. It doesn't matter now whether the baby is alive or not, or how close it is to being fully human. Adoption is hardly mentioned. If you fear it; if you don't want to deal with it, just kill it.

     But the contrast between what I consider life's purpose and 'man's [faulty] wisdom' is manifest in this issue as well as many others. I believe we are on Earth to learn from our challenges and earn character by seeing tough things through (and it seems like we get PLENTY of opportunities). Everything really worthwhile that we do brings on risk, fear, sacrifice and challenge, including marriage, having babies, raising teenagers, seeing a spouse or a parent suffer through illness, and on and on. Man's “wisdom” has attempted to create 'easy' alternatives to all of these things. But they are often grounded in fear rather than in faith; in selfishness rather than sacrifice. If you fear it, just kill it. If you don't want to raise a child, kill it. If you don't want to try to work things out through a tough marriage, kill it. If you don't want to be inconvenienced by a down-syndrome child, kill it. If you don't want to hear someone exercise their First-Amendment rights when they don't agree with you, kill it. The list goes on.

     I agree that education is a huge key. Along with a detailed run-down of the adoption process it could include other things. That education should include talking to women who were taught that abortion is just the natural, easy “go-to” and later suffered depression and struggled through years of doubt and/or emotional problems from it. It should include a look at how many men and women, historical and otherwise, would have been aborted according to today's 'easy go-to' standards and have gone on to create and do amazing things for society or for their families. It should include the science of when a heart begins to beat and when pre-birth bonding begins to occur. It might even include testimonies of former abortionists who have suffered emotional trauma as a result of their careers. Again, the list goes on. Of course, it should include therapy.

     But along with that we need a general shift in our governmental approach. The powers that be should resign and get out of the role of being family managers. But we are too far gone for that. Their course, then, should be to stop playing favorites. Instead of funding for abortions being so easy to obtain, to the point that it has become a viable business opportunity (just kill it on us!), adoption should be the easier choice to make. If I have to pay taxes to help young women who are not sure they can or want to raise a child, I'd much rather those funds go to education that supports life and to adoption agencies. Make that the viable business opportunity. And then, instead of adoption being so encumbered by bureaucracy and red tape, put that burden onto the abortion industry. As part of that, candidates for having a tax-funded abortion (remember, the actual candidate FOR an abortion is not getting the choice) should be required to fill out forms, get therapy, and go through red tape. One of the forms should be a questionnaire, and one of the questions should ask the candidate to name the father, if at all possible. The father, then, should bear part or all of the cost or face any applicable charges along with or instead of the potential mother, depending on how it all came to be. In cases of sexual abuse of some sort this might provide another way for him to be held responsible if the courts don't support a rape case. If the pregnancy was not a case of rape or its equivalent, another question on the form should require the candidate to reason through the steps that brought on the pregnancy and how conception might have been avoided if it is unwanted. It might also require her to take steps to prevent further pregnancies that might burden tax-payers, either through abortion or adoption, with penalties attached. In any case involving a choice between abortion or adoption, particularly if funded by tax-payers, therapy, education and decisions should all occur as early as possible to avoid any late-term abortions. In rare cases of purposeful stalling and/or cruelty to a late-term child appropriate penalties should be enforced against all responsible parties, each being judged on a case-by-case basis.

6-2-2019 Advice to My Kids

6-2-2019 Advice to My Kids

     I haven't written much in my blog here, so I thought I'd just maybe use it to pass on things to my kids. That way it will stick around as long as Google does, ha ha. So, listen up kids!
     In Sunday School this week we had quite a good discussion about some things Jesus Christ taught near the end of His mortal ministry. It branched off into several related topics which, in turn, prompted other thoughts that I wanted to pass on to my children. I reflected on this talk given by Russel M. Nelson this last April. 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2019/04/46nelson?lang=eng 
In this talk, just preceding his closing testimony, he states      
     "My dear brothers and sisters, Jesus Christ invites us to take the covenant path back home to our Heavenly Parents and be with those we love. He invites us to "come, follow me."
     "Now, as President of His Church, I plead with you who have distanced yourselves from the Church and with you who have not really sought to know that the Savior's Church has been restored. Do the spiritual work to find out for yourselves, and please do it now. Time is running out."
     Now, most of you haven't distanced yourselves from the church, but the phrase "Time if running out" keeps sticking to my mind like my grandma used to say mashed potatoes would stick to my ribs. These are 'perilous times' as any as spoken of in the Bible. I think it's time to be making ourselves sure in our spiritual footing as well as other things. My concerns for all of you are in several areas. As I pass some of the thoughts this prompts I am not trying to guilt any of you or point a finger at anyone or anything like that. I just want to bring up a couple of areas I hope you are all being careful of:

     1) The "Abomination of Desolation" that the Savior talked about being rampant in our day is, in my opinion, all around us. It may be manifest in some physical, one-time event that people are looking for, but I feel it is more reflected in the wickedness in high places, in secret combinations, in the satanic doctrines and practices (including unnecessary abortions), in the attitude of entitlement (Satan's plan has always used the ruese of 'excellence without effort'), in the spirit of anger and the increase in doubt and criticism we see against the church and all that is good, and so many of the destructive attitudes that are so characteristic of our times. Think of the meaning of the words: "abomination" is corruption; "desolation" is destruction. The term literally means 'corruption for the sake of destruction'.
     We have been sent here at this time for a reason. Yes, we all make mistakes and have our learning curves. That's part of the program. That's what the atonement is all about...to make that learning from ours and others mistakes beneficial instead of something to beat ourselves up about. But we also have been sent here to save the Earth from this "abomination of desolation". That's why you went on missions. That's why you are teaching your kids right from wrong....or eventually will. Furthermore, all of you who have been to the temple have covenanted to build God's Kingdom. 
     Building God's Kingdom doesn't mean anything radical or reactionary or that we go on a march. What it does mean is that we do what we can, starting with ourselves and our families, to stay true to the Gospel and the Church even when we can't see the end or the specific reasons. That's called "faith". It means that we build others up in their faith. It means that we encourage decency by example as well as by what we say. It means we aren't ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ or of the people to whom He has given His keys, even when we think they make mistakes or we can't understand their decisions from moment to moment. Yes, we follow intelligently rather than by blind faith, but we stay true through our doubts and, because of that covenant we have made, we don't take opportunities to join 'The Angry' when we aren't quite certain about something. It's OK to question, that's how we learn. But to follow every question to the point of doubt and criticism, to check in with those who are continually offended to make sure we don't displease them with our faithfulness, or to make sure the angry aren't thinking we're stupid; these are not exercising the faith that brings about the promise of safety for ourselves and our families. And those promises are real and needed.
     But being "faithful" has nothing to do with 'pointing fingers'. It's a good thing to learn from watching others and avoiding pitfalls, but it serves no Godly purpose to look for a fight. Remember how in the Book of Mormon those who came to blows, supposedly sticking up for the Church, had their names 'blotted out' right along with the unfaithful. It is not our calling to be 'judge, jury and exicutioner' for those who are doing wrong. We can hold to our faith without being self-righteous. We can lovingly encourage and admonish when the opportunity presents itself or when we actually have a God-given stewardship to do so. We can be kind and friendly to everyone, including those with whom we disagree. These are the things that open doors of acceptance for the truth and, if necessary, repentence...which we all need. 
     Like someone brought up in our class today; we can sit around in Sunday School and agree on doctrine all we want, but if we want to have God with us and bring people to Him, away from the Abomination of Desolation, we need to be doing...that's DO-ing... what He asks; serving, blessing and comforting our fellow travellers on this earth. "Fill your minds with truth. Fill your hearts with love. Fill your lives with service." 

     2) The prophets have long encouraged us, rather strongly, to get 'our houses in order'. This is no easy task and I'm not by any means perfect in it. It takes time and, like in many aspects of good living, we have been cautioned from 'running faster than we have strength'. But from what I've seen and think we all could benefit very much from the council to work to be free of debt as soon as we can and to regularly set aside funds for a 'rainy day'. 
     There are, of course, some good reasons to be in debt, such as for a house. But I strongly encourage you to do what you can to avoid any unnecessary debt and get out of any you are in as soon as you possibly can. Make a plan, stick to it, set aside funds for it, and pay your debts off. Be freeeeee! It makes things so much easier when other emergencies and financial needs arise, which they will, when you are not in debt. Cars will break down, fridges will stop working, you will need stitches, etc. etc. etc. Even when a legitiment and worthwhile want comes along, it's much more possible to obtain it when you don't have overwhelming debt.
     With this in mind it only makes sense to regularly contribute to a solid savings account (along with a retirement account and such) and build it up as much as you can. I can't tell you how many times your Mom and I were able to meet emergencies because we had a savings account and thus avoided financial disaster. Of course, the blessings of paying a full tithing helped with that. But we were always able to handle what came along...sometimes miraculously. 
     Two other things that helped us were:
a) not buying stuff we didn't REALLY need unless we had plenty of money for it. We didn't always have the nicest stuff, but we had good stuff that we had waited to buy until we saved up for it. That didn't kill any of us...did it?
b) doing our best to keep our income ahead of our expenses. Sometimes that meant me working an extra job in the summers or during Christmas break. I'm sure some of you remember me taking lots of classes during the summers and after work to earn my Masters' degree and beyond. It resulted in a bigger paycheck, but meant staying up until the wee hours in the morning doing homework and lots of stress. Yaa, I've been there.  Maybe you weren't aware of this but Mom was taking steps to start a career of sorts at the time she passed away, just to help us finally get out of debt! (She felt OK about it because y'all were mostly raised and she wanted to really increase and use her talents). It just takes a little self discipline and takes some time, but it's worth it. Better to be working at getting a little ahead than spending yourself into a hole.
c) when we did buy stuff, we bought stuff that was sturdy, reliable, and actually benefitted us...NOTHING to keep up with the Joneses or that was just "cute" or that would be set aside after a short time. We THOUGHT THROUGH every purchase (watch the following):  
https://vimeo.com/41152287?ref=fb-share&fbclid=IwAR2pwfwq2-YRZ_we9TvJz066luk7XdzkUf3pYAvKuGeWs_xH0TRgjAv-Zfg

     Please know, again, that I am not trying to guilt any of you or call anyone out or anything like that. I just want to point out a couple of things I want you all to be careful of. I am very proud of all of you. With your great talents and intelligences you have done, are doing, and, I have no doubt, will continue to do so much good. I am so proud of you. I feel like I'm the lukiest man in the world to have you as children. You really are amazing and I honestly can't understand where you get it from. I love you all very much.

-Dad 

Why Not Forgive?

The cats, all three, are snuggled in their favorite spots. It's a cold, rainy day outside and my wife if dozing peaceably on the couch in an effort to fight off a cold. I just chopped some juniper, my favorite for burning, and loaded it into the stove. The heat makes us all more comfortable. But I am thinking of greater comfort. Comfort that comes from feeling the Spirit testify that life goes on after tragedy, comfort that God is mindful of each of us and merciful in the manifestations of His love whether we deserve it or not, comfort in the arms of a spouse who overlooks my insecurities and shares her healing influence with me and anyone in my family who is willing to accept it. She has saved me. I am truly a blessed man as I reflect further on the passing of my first wife and things I am experiencing and learning from it still (https://deserttoad.blogspot.com/2015/09/some-notes-about-nanis-passing.html).

Several weeks ago I remember someone posting on facebook about how a man who had killed her loved-one in a traffic accident was finally going to trial and going to get his just deserts. I don't remember who it was, but she was obviously outraged at the driver and had been waiting for his sentencing for some time.

Perhaps it was a drunk driver who killed this person's husband, son, or whoever; or maybe there were other circumstances that caused her to find relief in some kind of vengence. I don't want to judge because I haven't 'walked a mile in her shoes'.

But, I have walked a mile in my shoes.

I know precisely what it feels like to have a loved-one's life cut short...after being married to her for 30 years. I have experienced, many times, hearing a siren on the near-by highway where it happened and feeling a knot in my stomach. I know why I sometimes begin to feel a helpless panic when my present wife or one of my children are on an errand and have been gone longer than usual...and why I'm so relieved when I call and get an answer. I know what it's like to see an accident, an ambulance and flashing lights, and begin to curse at my helplessness and have others in the car wonder as I stop, turn around, and take another route. I know just how it feels to want to tell my deceased wife something that I saw on my way home that I know would be exciting to her, or to ask her how long to bake something, and remember that she's not going to answer. I know exactly how it is to watch my children struggle to the point that they give up on dreams they had shared with their mother, not knowing how to help them understand why she will not be here to celebrate their accomplishmentsm, the birth of a grand-baby, or show concern for their trials! I know the uncertainty of when I will get over a sense that I must hang on and never let go because something beyond my control might pull another love away from me. I know how a night can become endless hours of worry over the smallest suggestion that I could lose someone else.

I don't want to judge this person who wants to see her loved-one's killer get his come-up-ence, but I have something to say:

It is easier to forgive.

I'm not patting myself on the back and I don't really view myself as a very saintly person. After all, the accident that took Nani away from me was her fault. But there is naturally a resentment and an anger that results with such a shock...and many emotional trials after. Yet regardless of what my children and I have gone through, it is easier to forgive.

When my reeling stopped, after a few days or weeks (I hardly remember) I found out through a step sister that the man who had run into my wife was suffering deeply. I sought him out and visited him and his family. It was one of the best things I have ever done...for me and, hopefully, for them. We cried, hugged, and I re-assured him and his wife that I do not hold him at all responsible. I knew he had absolutely no desire to kill my wife or hurt any of us. I believe he and his family have suffered just as much as I and my family have...and I don't wish that on them, even for a minute. 

Thanks to my present wife I have become friends with the man's family; they have been close friends to her family for years. We see each other in public and smile, hug, and shake hands. I know he still hurts. His wife still hurts. I think he feels a little uncomfortable around me. But I will always be friendly to him. He is a good, good man, and he doesn't deserve to feel the pain he has felt (none of them do). I truly hold no ill feelings for him.

I'm free.

And God helps us. After the accident I was lost and beginning the flounder. I was a strong one...everybody said so....but that was the public man. Inside I experienced weaknesses and anxieties that I never thought possible in me, and that only my Angel wife knows about. Yet, despite the challenges I was facing, I did maintain my trust in God and I can't deny the miracle of His guiding her and I together. Because of her most of the frustrations I brought up earlier are just water under the bridge for me now. And though we have had and still have challenges to work through, it seems as if we were both given through birth or experience just the right temperments and perspectives to help and heal each other (but more on this in a later entry). We have literally saved each other from terrors that nobody else could see or know of, and kept each other on pathes that lead to places of light. We have pulled each other through the worst trials of our lives.

She is helping me be free.

Despite the hurting, I now consider the man who ran into my first wife my friend. Almost exactly a year after the accident, at the beginning of the present school year, his wife came to the front of my classroom at the end of a Back-To-School Night session and informed me that I would have their son in a math class. It has been a wonderful thing to get to know this young man's kind yet mischievous character and realize he is much like his parents. There are other things she told me...miracles that have happened to them that have helped them cope, but they have not yet shared details with my new wife and I (I'm hoping they will soon...it seems strange that someone knows more about something my Nani is up to than I do).

But, the point is, I'm free.

As I said before, I don't want to judge the woman who posted about the justice that man who killed her loved-one in an accident is getting. But, just a few weeks ago a past friend of mine had a son killed by a drunk driver in traffic. It brought tears to my eyes as I read an article about how my class-mate, Scott Nackos, told others at a gathering that he wanted to extend love and forgiveness to the man who killed his son (http://www.greeleytribune.com/news/opinion/tribune-opinion-father-of-severance-man-killed-on-thanksgiving-takes-impressive-high-road/#). I honor Scott and his family. I pray for their healing. 

Recently I heard about friend whose mother was killed by a drunk driver. This was more than an accident because the man had gotten drunk with his brother and then agreed to a game to see who could cause the most trouble. My friend's mother was the recipient of such stupidity and there was understandably a lot of bitterness. Then some miracles happened. At the second court hearing the killer's mother came to where my friend's family was gathered and expressed her deep sorrow and apologies...then the killer's wife and baby braved the walk to them and did the same. Soon the families were talking and eventually my friend and his family got to know the man who had caused them such pain...and he was not the monster they had supposed. He had made mistakes any of us could have made, along with a few remarkably stupid choices, but was now ready to take full responsibility for his crimes. My friend's family asked the judge for leniency. The man served time, as they had expected. It was only right that justice be done. But the two families remained in touch as one family exercised mercy and concern for the man's small family while he was incarcerated. To make a long story short, my friend's family was instrumental in getting this man and his family re-activated in their common religeon and were present when they were sealed in eternal marriage in the Lord's Temple.

I also have other friends, aquaintences and class-mates who have met the grief of a loved-one's sudden passing with service. My present wife lost a sister in an accident when she was just reaching adult-hood, and has talked only of the good it did for others rather than with rancor for the driver at fault. They, like me and my family, all have a burden to bear. But are moving on with forgiveness and being a blessing to others.

They are free.

I want to encourage anyone who has gone through such experiences to become free. 

Forgive. Serve. 

Even if the perpetrator was drunk...forgive.

That certainly does NOT mean, in cases of intended abuse, that one should allow it to go on...forget about it...or sweep it under the rug. Justice and protection are essential in such cases. But wherever and whenever possible, please forgive and be free.

I'm pretty sure those who have passed on want us to do just that.

This is not the post I want to do about how MaryAnn and I got together. I just wanted to put record my Mothers' Day tribute from Facebook here. I love and honor the mothers in my life:

"I didn't post anything on Mothers' Day because it was just plain busy helping with dinner and all. Mary Ann and I had a fun time cooking for and feeding our combined children, who are the best children because they are blessed with the best mothers possible. I just want to say that, because of the women in my life, I am the most blessed man in the world....ever!. I have the most awesome wife who is an amazing mother to her children and puts up with me and my children as she continues to increase her uplifting and wonderful influence on us (I love her SO MUCH, but more on her later). I have, on the 'other side' the most amazing mother to my children and who still looks after them and whom I know has helped with securing some of the miracles that have happened to me since her passing. I am very thankful to her and love her very much. I have the most amazing mother who raised me (and my dad) to honor and cherish women and treat them with equality and respect, which is what real men do. I have the most amazing sisters and female relations, many of whom are the most wonderful mothers on earth. They all never cease to amaze me. I want to add that MaryAnn Furse is truly amazing in so many ways. She possesses a rare combination of traits and abilities that make life most interesting, educational, fun and adventurous. Sometimes mis-judged, un-appreciated, or treated as less than the Angel from Heaven that she is (which brings out the meaner-than-hell German Shepherd in me), she teaches me about forgiveness and patience...or how an angel can become very honest and dangerous when it is necessary. Often spontaneous, she teaches me about how to have fun and appreciate my surroundings and the blessings of this life. Always compassionate, she un-intentionally schools me about loving God's children when I thought I was so good at it. Always loving, she pulls me straight out of the hell of discouragement, listens to my silliest concerns, and heals my deepest wounds in a moment. She is the greatest teacher (many can attest to that)! I could go on and on and on. She is my Hero and my Angel. I consider myself, honestly, the most blessed man on the face of the Earth to be married to her. I LOVE YOU MaryAnn Furse!!!! THANK YOU for being my friend, my partner and my wife."

One More Among Many

A few months ago I posted an entry expressing my thoughts about my feelings on my wife's untimely death. It can be read here:

https://deserttoad.blogspot.com/2015/09/some-notes-about-nanis-passing.html

As part of that post I outlined some of the miracles with the idea that I wanted to preserve them before they were forgotten. There have been many miracles in my life since then, some of which I will discuss in another entry...hopefully soon. But I want to talk about the miracle of prayer, focusing on one event I want to record which happened not too many days or weeks after that entry (everything for a while her death was a blur, so I don't really remember when it happened). 

I was roaming in the hills near my home at night, as I have been for a decade or so. It's a great thing to go into the desert at night with only the sky to influence you outside your own thoughts and inspirations from outside this physical realm. Prayers seem to reach their destination much easier than when one is surrounded by floor, walls, and ceiling....at least for me.

The slopes I walked were, a few years ago, pure desert over which my dog and I had traveled many times to places of peace and quiet to gaze at the lights, moon and stars. Sometimes a distant flash of lightning or the threat of a closing storm mingled with the colors of a recent sunset made things more interesting. But on this occasion it was a peaceful night, interrupted only by a breeze from the north. I was quite concerned about how to manage, live and raise the children after Nani's death and, upon finding one of my favorite spots, knealt down to pray.

I don't claim, by any means, to be especially in touch with the spiritual realm, but I have much faith in it. Some of this is a result of my grandfather's return from death and sharing some what he was allowed to tell before his final death years later. Some has been influenced by visions and dreams shared by my aunt and others who have been anything but your typical 'whacko' spiritualist types (you can tell I don't really trust many who claim to be "in contact"). Mostly, however, I have my faith in Christ and the impact of spiritually received proofs of the legitimacy of that faith many times over the years to thank. So what I am writing is not to be taken as if from an eccentric. I'm stating what I felt.

As I was praying I was very focused on communicating with my Heavenly Father. I have heard a metaphor comparing the sincerity of a person's prayer with it's ability to actually reach God's ear, that it can be compared to a light, bright or dim in intensity, which He can see shining from the surface of the Earth. I felt my prayer was very bright at this time. I was asking for help with everything I was facing alone now, each child and his or her problems, my job, everything. I was pleading.

During the prayer I found that I was feeling the presence of my late wife, Nani. She was there. I could almost feel where she was standing. I felt that she was concerned, and letting me know that I was being watched over and helped. I couldn't see, hear, or touch anything (though I might have given worlds to hold her), but I could feel her presence. I just stayed and enjoyed the peace of it for a little while and cried. I will never forget that moment. It's been a motivation for me to keep the faith and behave.

Miracles have continued to happen in my life and for my family since then. Most that I can see have to do with being guided to and marrying the most amazing and wonderful woman on this side of Eternity. I have felt and others (including some of Nani's friends) have expressed a feeling that Nani had something to do with that arrangement (I certainly wasn't looking for it, and neither was my present wife. More on this in a later post other than that Nani had told me a few times that if she passed on first she would want me to re-marry). I can't help but wonder if God sent Nani that night to tell me that she was working on things and to be ready for the miracles that have come and that continue to flow. 

I am so grateful to her.

(Nani Lii Furse about 11 or 12 years ago)