Why Not Forgive?

The cats, all three, are snuggled in their favorite spots. It's a cold, rainy day outside and my wife if dozing peaceably on the couch in an effort to fight off a cold. I just chopped some juniper, my favorite for burning, and loaded it into the stove. The heat makes us all more comfortable. But I am thinking of greater comfort. Comfort that comes from feeling the Spirit testify that life goes on after tragedy, comfort that God is mindful of each of us and merciful in the manifestations of His love whether we deserve it or not, comfort in the arms of a spouse who overlooks my insecurities and shares her healing influence with me and anyone in my family who is willing to accept it. She has saved me. I am truly a blessed man as I reflect further on the passing of my first wife and things I am experiencing and learning from it still (https://deserttoad.blogspot.com/2015/09/some-notes-about-nanis-passing.html).

Several weeks ago I remember someone posting on facebook about how a man who had killed her loved-one in a traffic accident was finally going to trial and going to get his just deserts. I don't remember who it was, but she was obviously outraged at the driver and had been waiting for his sentencing for some time.

Perhaps it was a drunk driver who killed this person's husband, son, or whoever; or maybe there were other circumstances that caused her to find relief in some kind of vengence. I don't want to judge because I haven't 'walked a mile in her shoes'.

But, I have walked a mile in my shoes.

I know precisely what it feels like to have a loved-one's life cut short...after being married to her for 30 years. I have experienced, many times, hearing a siren on the near-by highway where it happened and feeling a knot in my stomach. I know why I sometimes begin to feel a helpless panic when my present wife or one of my children are on an errand and have been gone longer than usual...and why I'm so relieved when I call and get an answer. I know what it's like to see an accident, an ambulance and flashing lights, and begin to curse at my helplessness and have others in the car wonder as I stop, turn around, and take another route. I know just how it feels to want to tell my deceased wife something that I saw on my way home that I know would be exciting to her, or to ask her how long to bake something, and remember that she's not going to answer. I know exactly how it is to watch my children struggle to the point that they give up on dreams they had shared with their mother, not knowing how to help them understand why she will not be here to celebrate their accomplishmentsm, the birth of a grand-baby, or show concern for their trials! I know the uncertainty of when I will get over a sense that I must hang on and never let go because something beyond my control might pull another love away from me. I know how a night can become endless hours of worry over the smallest suggestion that I could lose someone else.

I don't want to judge this person who wants to see her loved-one's killer get his come-up-ence, but I have something to say:

It is easier to forgive.

I'm not patting myself on the back and I don't really view myself as a very saintly person. After all, the accident that took Nani away from me was her fault. But there is naturally a resentment and an anger that results with such a shock...and many emotional trials after. Yet regardless of what my children and I have gone through, it is easier to forgive.

When my reeling stopped, after a few days or weeks (I hardly remember) I found out through a step sister that the man who had run into my wife was suffering deeply. I sought him out and visited him and his family. It was one of the best things I have ever done...for me and, hopefully, for them. We cried, hugged, and I re-assured him and his wife that I do not hold him at all responsible. I knew he had absolutely no desire to kill my wife or hurt any of us. I believe he and his family have suffered just as much as I and my family have...and I don't wish that on them, even for a minute. 

Thanks to my present wife I have become friends with the man's family; they have been close friends to her family for years. We see each other in public and smile, hug, and shake hands. I know he still hurts. His wife still hurts. I think he feels a little uncomfortable around me. But I will always be friendly to him. He is a good, good man, and he doesn't deserve to feel the pain he has felt (none of them do). I truly hold no ill feelings for him.

I'm free.

And God helps us. After the accident I was lost and beginning the flounder. I was a strong one...everybody said so....but that was the public man. Inside I experienced weaknesses and anxieties that I never thought possible in me, and that only my Angel wife knows about. Yet, despite the challenges I was facing, I did maintain my trust in God and I can't deny the miracle of His guiding her and I together. Because of her most of the frustrations I brought up earlier are just water under the bridge for me now. And though we have had and still have challenges to work through, it seems as if we were both given through birth or experience just the right temperments and perspectives to help and heal each other (but more on this in a later entry). We have literally saved each other from terrors that nobody else could see or know of, and kept each other on pathes that lead to places of light. We have pulled each other through the worst trials of our lives.

She is helping me be free.

Despite the hurting, I now consider the man who ran into my first wife my friend. Almost exactly a year after the accident, at the beginning of the present school year, his wife came to the front of my classroom at the end of a Back-To-School Night session and informed me that I would have their son in a math class. It has been a wonderful thing to get to know this young man's kind yet mischievous character and realize he is much like his parents. There are other things she told me...miracles that have happened to them that have helped them cope, but they have not yet shared details with my new wife and I (I'm hoping they will soon...it seems strange that someone knows more about something my Nani is up to than I do).

But, the point is, I'm free.

As I said before, I don't want to judge the woman who posted about the justice that man who killed her loved-one in an accident is getting. But, just a few weeks ago a past friend of mine had a son killed by a drunk driver in traffic. It brought tears to my eyes as I read an article about how my class-mate, Scott Nackos, told others at a gathering that he wanted to extend love and forgiveness to the man who killed his son (http://www.greeleytribune.com/news/opinion/tribune-opinion-father-of-severance-man-killed-on-thanksgiving-takes-impressive-high-road/#). I honor Scott and his family. I pray for their healing. 

Recently I heard about friend whose mother was killed by a drunk driver. This was more than an accident because the man had gotten drunk with his brother and then agreed to a game to see who could cause the most trouble. My friend's mother was the recipient of such stupidity and there was understandably a lot of bitterness. Then some miracles happened. At the second court hearing the killer's mother came to where my friend's family was gathered and expressed her deep sorrow and apologies...then the killer's wife and baby braved the walk to them and did the same. Soon the families were talking and eventually my friend and his family got to know the man who had caused them such pain...and he was not the monster they had supposed. He had made mistakes any of us could have made, along with a few remarkably stupid choices, but was now ready to take full responsibility for his crimes. My friend's family asked the judge for leniency. The man served time, as they had expected. It was only right that justice be done. But the two families remained in touch as one family exercised mercy and concern for the man's small family while he was incarcerated. To make a long story short, my friend's family was instrumental in getting this man and his family re-activated in their common religeon and were present when they were sealed in eternal marriage in the Lord's Temple.

I also have other friends, aquaintences and class-mates who have met the grief of a loved-one's sudden passing with service. My present wife lost a sister in an accident when she was just reaching adult-hood, and has talked only of the good it did for others rather than with rancor for the driver at fault. They, like me and my family, all have a burden to bear. But are moving on with forgiveness and being a blessing to others.

They are free.

I want to encourage anyone who has gone through such experiences to become free. 

Forgive. Serve. 

Even if the perpetrator was drunk...forgive.

That certainly does NOT mean, in cases of intended abuse, that one should allow it to go on...forget about it...or sweep it under the rug. Justice and protection are essential in such cases. But wherever and whenever possible, please forgive and be free.

I'm pretty sure those who have passed on want us to do just that.