Last week a very good man...kid to me, really...stopped by with a little gift wanting to express condolences. He is such a good man and recently married such a good woman. They recently found out they are expecting, and he seems just a little nervous about being a good husband and a good dad. He half jokingly asked me if I had any good advice. He shouldn't have, because I got thinking. After 30 years of marriage, I ought to have learned something. I started jotting things down, and now I'm publishing it on this blog. If you are interested, go ahead and read it. But, I will add some disclaimers: 1) All of these thoughts are not original with me, but I list them as I interpret them according to my experience. 2) I do not claim to be a perfect, or even a noteworthy example of any of them...these are just things I've learned and have tried to improve on...sometimes quite consistently. 3) I am not judging you. Some of these may apply to you or they may not be considering circumstances that may alter their application. If any of them are useful to you, adjust them as necessary. 4) These are not in any certain order...just as thoughts came along and whapped me upside the head, so to speak. 5) Some of these relate more to marriage and family, some to individual lessons I have learned. Interpolate as such, but it all works together for me. 6) I am not qualified to give advice. These are just my opinions.

I may add things or edit this list. Please feel free to add something, via a comment, if you have learned something you feel would be of value.

Here goes:

Be careful how you use “supposed to” and “should have” in your lexicon. These phrases can be useless deterrents and counter-productive guilt trips. It’s not bad to learn from the past and change, but not for the purpose of measuring up to popularly public visions of acceptability. Sure, work on changing things that really matter…like the way you actually deal with problems you see in yourself or others…or how you define those problems in the first place. But instead of self-crushing guilt, go at it with an attitude of “I’m a little off on that; it’s OK; I am still a son/daughter of God; now how can I adjust my thinking and make a little progress?” Make a plan, not a lanyard with which to hang an albatross about your neck.

Stop giving a damn about what the neighbors or your friends think about stupid things. Ultimately the only ones you need to please are your Parents in Heaven, and they are very forgiving. They don’t care about your having the car everyone thinks you’re supposed to have, being at the cool events everyone thinks you are supposed to be at, buying the things everyone thinks you’re supposed to buy, making home-made bread every week, having a home-made doily on your piano, and on and on. Be genuine. That’s an oft-used phrase, but does anyone know what it really means? I think it has something to do with Eternal Nature. That comes from Heavenly Parentage, not from anything you accomplish, wear or drive. It can be reinforced, however, by things you do…or choose.

Think of the people you admire most. I mean really admire because they have endured some hard things and are still just a good, solid person. What’s good about them? Observe and remember how they talk to others who have disappointed them…how they talk to others who have pleased them…how they act when they see others who need help…how they carry themselves when they are dealing with a problem…their attitudes about others…how they think about themselves and others…how they recover from problems and their own mistakes…and so on (not what they drive or wear or do for entertainment). Try to think about several of these people you have known in the past. Read about those you didn't know personally. They are not going to be perfect, but by observing truly good people you can get a clue as to how to connect with your own Eternal Nature, and thus your Heavenly Parentage. Oh, and remember that the kind of people you hang with will have an effect on you. Things always rub off. Are your present friends really good, solid, happy people? You can see good qualities in others because the seeds of those qualities are in yourself. The more you hang with those people, noticing, emphasizing, and practicing those qualities, the more they will develop in you.

Get it in your head that you are good enough for this. No, you are not experienced. You’ve never been a perfect husband or a wife. You’ve never been a perfect mother or a father. But who has? Accept yourself, your spouse, your kids, whoever…imperfections and all. Give yourself and others plenty of chances to mess up…within reason...every day, because you will. It’s not the end of the world. In other words, be patient. Forgive. All the time. One day at a time.

Forgiving does not include letting others continue to abuse you. It also does not include letting them get away with abuse.

If you have a tendency to fly off the handle, learn some trick to do before you speak and FORCE yourself to do it. Count to ten. Do twenty pushups. DON’T respond until you have a chance to think it through. Maybe go for a walk and think of some constructive ways to respond using “I” statements (not using “you”). You might end up realizing that the thing you’re mad at isn’t really worth being mad at, or that there are other ways of looking at things that mean they aren’t really bad as you initially thought. Then talk honestly, giving each other room to see things differently and still be OK with each other.

Talk yourself to enjoying little idiosyncrasies your spouse has. Think of it as a trademark that helps make him or her different from anyone else. Who cares if s/he picks her nose, burps, leaves her tooth-brush out, lets her car get dirty or leaves the toilet seat down. It may be a good idea to bring it up during a good-humored discussion with the idea that you are trying to save your spouse embarrassment. But for your part, just let it be a trademark. Unless s/he is selling the kids.

Talk yourself into feeling good. There have been books written about this, and I've heard they are good, but I haven't read any. But it does work. I don't mean sweeping things under a rug or putting a band-aid over cancer. I'm talking about stopping to acknowledge a feeling or a thought. When you are feeling stressed or bad, get into a private place (figuratively or literally) and think through your system. Figure out what it is that's bothering you (there may be good strategies in one of those books...I just keep asking myself what's bothering me until it presents itself). When I do this I then 'talk' to myself about what it really means to me, why it bothers me, and what I can or can't really do about it. I sometimes follow a chain of logic until I either realize what I can do. It may not address the problem completely, but I remind myself that I can only do what I can do, and that I can't make others do things. Quite often, if I set the problem up in realistic terms and come up with a simple possible plan, solutions present themselves that clear up a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I just have to admit that it's fine to let people learn for themselves. Sometimes I have to admit that there is absolutely nothing I can do. Then I follow a chain of possible outcomes until I realize that the world will not end, that I just might survive, and that the outcome might be tough but I can say and do what I can say and do and that's all I can say and do. I can accept that. Then I feel a lot better.

Are you aware of what you are thinking? Or do your thoughts just go on wherever they go and lead your heart around by the nose? I believe that our society has been conditioned to act on raw emotion (that's why we vote like idiots). Try thinking about your thinking. 'Stand outside' yourself, in effect, and see what's going on in your brain. It's a lot easier to control your emotions that way because thoughts lead to emotions. And emotions lead to actions. Thoughts, emotions and actions: carnal, sensual and devilish or faithful, hopeful and charitable. You can choose at the thought level...if you are monitoring them and controlling their direction, rather than just letting them wander un-attended.

There is no point in trying to control people and what they do. It's been my experience that 'control freaks' do so out of great insecurity, growing out of a sense that if they can control everything, it will prevent bad things from happening. It's common in people who have experienced great trauma or depression and anxiety. They need professional help. Most people want to be good, but they want to do it because they choose it, not because someone else is choosing it. We all have an innate need to have ownership. There will always be some rebellion, but I think the more someone tries to make a person's choices for them, the more rebellion will occur. You want them to want to come back. “Teach them correct principals and they will govern themselves.” That doesn't mean there should be no discipline for kids in the home when they do something stupid. Far from it. But kids should understand from as young as possible that there are risks and natural consequences for their choices. That can't happen without reasonable amount of choosing.

And think back to when you chose your spouse. I believe many young girls mistake unhealthy male dominance and controlling behavior for 'love'. One should feel that they chose freely to be committed to another person. And it should stay that way throughout their relationship. A husband should honor a woman's choices to develop her talents, seek education, whatever...and visa-versa. I get a kick out of these guys who think their wife should feel the same way they feel about literally everything...just because. I think “Who the hell would want to live with you?” Yes, it's important to agree on how to raise kids, politics (to a point), religion, and other core values, just so you're not arguing all the time. But, good grief, can't you let your wife hang go out with her friends once in a while or take a class or vote how she wants or something? Do you have to control every cent she spends? The point is, someone should want to choose you because they want to be with you, even if you're a little different in some things.

There is no shame in seeking professional help (therapist, marriage counselor, etc.), but make sure it's someone who shares and supports your core values. If you have serious issues, good therapy and a medication are usually the best combination. Don't let people shame you out of either. The smartest people are those who realize they need help and get it. Never sweep serious issues under a rug.

Don't be a dingleberry.